Thursday, January 5, 2017

How it all began....

So....January 5th....  It's been a few days since New Year's and I have had time to figure out what happened.  New Year's Eve I spent the night and welcomed the new year in with my perfect family.  What happened next is UNBELIEVABLE!
I woke up the next morning and looked in the mirror.  WTH?!  I was OLD!  Like 55 years old.... There was even gray hair and I seemed to have gained alot of weight.  Like 200 pounds.  The conclusion I have come to is that I have been body swapped by aliens.  ALIENS!  They have even swapped out my family.  I used to have 3 perfect children.  These kids are unbelievable.  They are cranky, messy and lazy.

I am onto them now though.  Today was the final straw.  I tried to act as "normal" as I could.  I got up and attempted to get dressed.  There was a really cute dress in my closet with tags on it.  Obviously I had bought it.  I felt my spirits lift a little.  Put it on though and it didn't fit!  Surely it must be a size 1 and I am a size 3.  Oh no.....size 12....and doesn't fit?  Oh you are tricky little devils you aliens!  Even the nylons I had a problem with.  They were obviously control top and getting into them was a challenge.  After quite the struggle, I emerged the winner....until I bent over to put on shoes and they gave way.  Yup, the whole butt just ripped.  It was like the control top just gave up.  It didn't even try!  It might have been a good thing that it didn't happen while I was at work.  That would have been awkward....

It didn't stop there either.  My beautiful, warm, furry dress coat?!  Couldn't button it.  Had to leave it open to wear it but it matched my boots.  ARGHHH!  This is not fair!  Damn you aliens!  The "piece de resistance" though was when I slipped on the walk and fell on my fat ass.  I have never been so glad for extra padding than at that moment.  Getting up was another thing.  Let's say it was not as graceful as I would have liked.

So here is my plan.  To mold this body into the one that I had before.  The one that used to turn heads and make men walk into light poles.  This should be interesting.  I have no idea what I am doing here.  I have never been in this situation before, except when I was pregnant.  I don't think I am pregnant.  Wouldn't that be a kick in the ass?!

For now, it seems that this body is craving a glass of wine.  My plan is to give it a few so I can plan my next attack to take back me.  I am going to give into it's urges so I can plot what my next step is.  Until then, adieu....

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